The Hallam Internet team is composed of approximately 20 beautifully dressed go-getting digital marketers, every single one of whom has been very good this year.
So what sort of wonderful treats are we hoping to find under the tree come December 25?
Well, it’ll probably be one of the following…
On Google you’ll find answers to every question that ever has been asked. At Hallam Internet, we never say “let me Google that for you“, because it’s condescending and mean. Instead, our conversations generally go like this:
“Hey, how many pixels are there in a day?”
“I don’t know. Google it.”
If everyone in the office had a sweater like this, our productivity would double – nay – triple. For instead of wasting precious seconds saying the words “I don’t know. Google it,” we could simply point at our chests.
In the Hallam Internet office, every Monday is Cake Day. We take it in turns to bake or buy delicious cake treats for each other.
But as a concept, Cake Day is somewhat open to interpretation. Some of us don’t bring cakes. Some of us bring biscuits – or, as they’re known on some sides of the Atlantic, “cookies”.
With these Facebook Cookie Cutters, it’s finally possible to bake biscuits in the shape of Facebook likes. The end result would be what we like to call “Cake Day Synergy” – a perfect melding of cakes and digital marketing.
The OED’s 2015 word of the year was an emoji. Specifically, this emoji, “face with tears of joy”, which has now been immortalised as a cushion.
Describing it as a “pictograph”, the OED claimed that this particular emoji “best reflected the ethos, mood, and preoccupations of 2015.” It was the most widely used emoji of the year, making up an estimated 20% of all emojis used in the UK.
With one of these on every chair in the Hallam office, not only would our team be able to enjoy a significant boost in lumbar support, we’d also be able to remember, with a smile and a sigh, that “that was the year that was”.
When you try and access the internet on Chrome without a stable connection, Google displays a bewildered dinosaur.
It was only this year that I found out that there’s an Easter Egg on this frustrating yet adorable error page. If you encounter this page on a desktop browser, press space. If you encounter it on a mobile browser, tap the screen. In both cases, this will cause the lonely little dinosaur to start running. Pressing space or tapping the screen again will cause him to jump, and you’ll soon encounter treacherous fields of cacti that need traversing.
It’s a game! And the longer you run, and the more obstacles you can clear, the more points you’ll get. Thus annoying periods of downtime are transformed into pleasant periods of mildly-diverting twitch gaming.
With their endless runner game, Google made connectivity issues fun. But it took this t-shirt to transform them into art.
Ho! Google sure does make some hilarious search predictions, and with this touching greetings card, you and yours can laugh together in warm reminiscence.
Only, I’ve tested this card for accuracy. When I put SEAS into the Google search bar, I didn’t get “seaside”, “seasonal recipes”, and “season 5 game of thrones”. I got “seasick steve” and “sea salt for sale.”
So if you give this card to any of your nearest and dearest, provide a caveat. Make sure to let them know that, should they wish to replicate these hilarious search predictions themselves, they may be disappointed.
Yep, the world’s first practical consumer jetpack will finally go on sale next year. Customised in Hallam purple with the Hallam logos in lieu of the Martin logos, we’d make quite the striking fleet were we each kitted out with one of these.
When visiting clients, we’d zoom off in perfect V formation, gracefully soaring to wherever our expert skills are needed most.
Though at the moment we’re conveniently situated right in the heart of Nottingham, a bustling city that’s right in the heart of the UK, we can’t help but feel that we’d be able to offer a much more efficient service were our offices based on this remote, undeveloped South Pacific Island.
Sure, it has no running water, Wi-Fi, or electricity. And granted, we don’t have a single client based in Fiji or the wider South Pacific area. But name me one other UK digital marketing agency that has its very own beach.
And the commute wouldn’t be a problem, because we’d each have our own personal jetpack.
So! If you’re stuck for present ideas for the digital marketer in your life, print off this handy guide and present it to your nearest merchant. They’ll be able to help you out.